No-one can feel happy all the time, and nor should they. When you have suffered loss or pain, happiness would not be the appropriate response.
There is often a misconception that positive psychology is about smiling all the time, and feeling happy and joyful all the time. That is not the case at all and nor is it about pretending to feel happy all the time.
Buddhist monk, Matthieu Ricard, defines happiness as “a deep sense of flourishing that arises from an exceptionally healthy mind….., not a mere pleasurable feeling, a fleeting emotion, or a mood, but an optimal state of being". And Martin Seligman, the founder of the positive psychology movement identifies the five key elements for flourishing or wellbeing as:
Positive emotions
Engagement
Relationships
Meaning
Achievement
These keys, known as PERMA, show that experiencing positive emotions such as joy and happiness is just one part of creating wellbeing. For the purpose of this blog I will put aside the other elements for another day and focus on positive emotions.
No such thing as good or bad emotions
Perhaps we should not even differentiate between good and bad emotions because all emotions are part of the human experience and we want and need to be able to feel them all.
When we lose a loved one it is completely right and normal to feel sadness; when we see injustice it is ok to feel anger. These emotions help us make sense of what is happening and can spur us to action. Denying or suppressing these more challenging feelings can actually result in reduced wellbeing and sustained pain, both physical and mental in nature.
What we must learn however is how to identify the physiological sensation by which we recognise the emotions so that we can make space for them, and truly “feel” them before we let them pass through. It is when they remain with us for a long period of time, or we can’t move on from them that these emotions negatively affect our wellbeing.
Negativity bias
Science has shown that we do have a negativity bias, which arises from our primitive survival instincts. Psychologist Rick Hanson describes positive experiences & emotions as being like Teflon, and negative experiences & emotions as like Velcro so we hold on to those much more! Studies have shown that 3-5 positive experiences are required to counteract each negative one, which is why the P for positive emotions is an important part of the PERMA model.
There are two main ways in which we can increase the depth and volume of positivity in our lives: Seeking out & Savouring.
Seeking Out
This means to actively seek out people and activities which bring joy to you. Consider things you love to do, times when you can get lost in the fun or joy of the moment. This may be hiking in nature, sitting watching a sunset, sharing a great laugh with a friend, or turning up the music and dancing round the living room. Now think about how you can do these things more often, how you can build more joyful moments into everyday life. Some require planning and a greater commitment of time and money but many don’t, so as Nike says “Just Do It!”
Savouring
Try this exercise: close your eyes, sit and think about a person or activity which brought you joy recently. Now as you focus on that memory, breathe in deeply and take your awareness to how it makes you feel – perhaps you feel a lightness, perhaps warmth around the heart, perhaps you are staring to smile. Sit with this feeling for 30 seconds to 1 minute. Too often we let joyful moments pass by far too quickly so it is helpful to bring our attention to them.
This is also why a gratitude practice can be so good for us – multiple studies have shown that acknowledging that which we already have, either verbally or in writing is extremely beneficial, and one of the fastest tracks to improved wellbeing. Every evening before bed write down three things for which you are grateful in your life and be as specific as possible. Alternatively make this a regular conversation with your family – what were the three best things about your week / day?
Not the only answer
Happiness is not the only answer when looking for growth and wellbeing so I urge you to be open to all forms of emotion so that you might know them and learn how to manage your responses to them, but also to cultivate the practices which both deepen your experience of and increase the number of positive emotions in your life. It is moving between the differing emotions which builds your resilience and your wellbeing, and if you can practice doing this when times are good you will be better placed to handle life when things are more challenging
If you would like to find fulfilment in your career, whilst also having a full and stimulating life outside work, please download my free e-book on Finding Freedom & Fulfillment. This is designed to kickstart an exploration of your values, which is a great place to start for any change journey.
Sue runs sue rosen executive coaching and specialises in helping people unleash the power of their potential. She also runs corporate wellbeing programs based on using mindfulness and positive psychology to enable people to bring their very best selves to work.
There is often a misconception that positive psychology is about smiling all the time, and feeling happy and joyful all the time. That is not the case at all and nor is it about pretending to feel happy all the time.
Buddhist monk, Matthieu Ricard, defines happiness as “a deep sense of flourishing that arises from an exceptionally healthy mind….., not a mere pleasurable feeling, a fleeting emotion, or a mood, but an optimal state of being". And Martin Seligman, the founder of the positive psychology movement identifies the five key elements for flourishing or wellbeing as:
Positive emotions
Engagement
Relationships
Meaning
Achievement
These keys, known as PERMA, show that experiencing positive emotions such as joy and happiness is just one part of creating wellbeing. For the purpose of this blog I will put aside the other elements for another day and focus on positive emotions.
No such thing as good or bad emotions
Perhaps we should not even differentiate between good and bad emotions because all emotions are part of the human experience and we want and need to be able to feel them all.
When we lose a loved one it is completely right and normal to feel sadness; when we see injustice it is ok to feel anger. These emotions help us make sense of what is happening and can spur us to action. Denying or suppressing these more challenging feelings can actually result in reduced wellbeing and sustained pain, both physical and mental in nature.
What we must learn however is how to identify the physiological sensation by which we recognise the emotions so that we can make space for them, and truly “feel” them before we let them pass through. It is when they remain with us for a long period of time, or we can’t move on from them that these emotions negatively affect our wellbeing.
Negativity bias
Science has shown that we do have a negativity bias, which arises from our primitive survival instincts. Psychologist Rick Hanson describes positive experiences & emotions as being like Teflon, and negative experiences & emotions as like Velcro so we hold on to those much more! Studies have shown that 3-5 positive experiences are required to counteract each negative one, which is why the P for positive emotions is an important part of the PERMA model.
There are two main ways in which we can increase the depth and volume of positivity in our lives: Seeking out & Savouring.
Seeking Out
This means to actively seek out people and activities which bring joy to you. Consider things you love to do, times when you can get lost in the fun or joy of the moment. This may be hiking in nature, sitting watching a sunset, sharing a great laugh with a friend, or turning up the music and dancing round the living room. Now think about how you can do these things more often, how you can build more joyful moments into everyday life. Some require planning and a greater commitment of time and money but many don’t, so as Nike says “Just Do It!”
Savouring
Try this exercise: close your eyes, sit and think about a person or activity which brought you joy recently. Now as you focus on that memory, breathe in deeply and take your awareness to how it makes you feel – perhaps you feel a lightness, perhaps warmth around the heart, perhaps you are staring to smile. Sit with this feeling for 30 seconds to 1 minute. Too often we let joyful moments pass by far too quickly so it is helpful to bring our attention to them.
This is also why a gratitude practice can be so good for us – multiple studies have shown that acknowledging that which we already have, either verbally or in writing is extremely beneficial, and one of the fastest tracks to improved wellbeing. Every evening before bed write down three things for which you are grateful in your life and be as specific as possible. Alternatively make this a regular conversation with your family – what were the three best things about your week / day?
Not the only answer
Happiness is not the only answer when looking for growth and wellbeing so I urge you to be open to all forms of emotion so that you might know them and learn how to manage your responses to them, but also to cultivate the practices which both deepen your experience of and increase the number of positive emotions in your life. It is moving between the differing emotions which builds your resilience and your wellbeing, and if you can practice doing this when times are good you will be better placed to handle life when things are more challenging
If you would like to find fulfilment in your career, whilst also having a full and stimulating life outside work, please download my free e-book on Finding Freedom & Fulfillment. This is designed to kickstart an exploration of your values, which is a great place to start for any change journey.
Sue runs sue rosen executive coaching and specialises in helping people unleash the power of their potential. She also runs corporate wellbeing programs based on using mindfulness and positive psychology to enable people to bring their very best selves to work.
RSS Feed