8 Tips How to Receive Feedback Most Constructively?

In my last blog I wrote about how giving feedback is HARD!

This week I want to look at the other side of the equation and talk about receiving feedback because that ain’t easy either!

If your boss said to you ‘you are being too dogmatic in the leadership team meeting, giving everyone else the impression that you think you know best and you’re not prepared to listen to them’, how would you react?

It is completely natural to do one of the following:

• Become emotional, start listening to that inner critic voice which says ‘you see, this just proves you are rubbish at this job’
• Start defending your actions, saying ‘I am the only one with the detailed understanding of the financials and no-one wants to listen to rational arguments’
• Go on the attack, with ‘what do you know, you weren’t in the room, you don’t understand’

But we have to ask ourselves how helpful are any of these reactions? Will they help us become better leaders?

As leaders, if we want to cultivate a culture of safety where feedback is constructively given and received, we need to model asking for feedback and that can trigger an overwhelming sense of vulnerability.
Author and researcher Brene Brown defines vulnerability as ‘uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure’ and this is absolutely what we are feeling when we invite feedback.

So how can you build your capacity to invite and receive feedback?

I believe this starts with acknowledging three things:

1. Connect feedback to your values and purpose: adopting a growth mindset and continual learning is fundamental to making progress on anything which is important to you
2. Feedback is the perception of others: it may or may not be true, you may or may not agree, and seeking multiple sources can help you determine which elements are the most important for you to take on board
3. You don’t have to act on feedback: ultimately you have the choice whether you act on the feedback you receive, that choice may come with consequences, and if you choose not to act it may be advisable to explain that you value the individual’s feedback and explain why you did not act on it.

Once you have decided to ask for feedback, or are receiving unsolicited feedback, I have 8 tips for how to receive it most constructively:

1. Notice your own physical and emotional responses: you may feel your breath quickening, your heart racing or your hands becoming clammy
2. Take some slow, deep breaths & acknowledge to yourself what you are feeling & ask yourself is the helpful right now?
3. Take a break: if you are finding it too hard to calm your emotional responses, or find yourself continually interrupting the feedback giver then it can be valuable to acknowledge that you are having trouble focusing on the feedback because you are feeling defensive or disappointed or upset and can we have a break and then reconvene in 10 minutes, or tomorrow, when I feel calmer?
4. Listen to understand, not to reply: focus on the content of what the person is saying, what is the most important message in their words? What is the emotional tone of what they are saying? What is not being said?
5. Seek specifics and clarity: if anything is unclear to you about what they actually want you to do or change then ask questions – when you said I was being dogmatic, what specifically was I doing that caused you to feel that? What would you like to see me do instead?
6. Thank the feedback giver: regardless of whether you agree, you can appreciate the effort someone has made to provide feedback
7. Reflect on what has been said: perhaps unpack it further with another colleague or coach, and decide how you feel about it, how it aligns with your values and what action you want to take
8. Follow-up: this may mean either putting the advice into action, it may mean closing out the conversation explaining why you are not choosing to do that or finding another way forward through further dialogue with the feedback giver.

Understanding ourselves is the starting point for great leadership, and understanding how others perceive us, and the impact that has on what we can achieve is critical to taking the next step in our leadership journey, as it enables us to see both our strengths and our blind spots through a new lens. And once again this approach takes courage and compassion.
​
As part of my coaching process it is possible to build in stakeholder interviews so that you gain a bigger picture of yourself as a leader.

How are you developing your capacity for receiving feedback? Let's connect!