Twice in the last few months I have heard this from two very successful women, one being the amazing Imelda Roche who ran Nutrimetics in Australia and then globally for many years, and as far back as 1997 was named as one of the 50 leading Women Entrepreneurs in the world, and the second being Kirstine Stewart, the former head of the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation who now heads up Twitter in the US.
It seems crazy that we still need to be given this advice and I certainly hope that my daughters will not get caught up in this expectation of themselves but most women I work with in the corporate world have been caught in this trap at some point.
Supermum (not!)
A few years ago, when my daughters were in primary school, I talked with a friend about what our girls were wearing for book week and it turned out we were both busy sewing costumes. Now bear in mind that my friend is a solicitor in family law and I was working in a senior finance role so neither of us was exactly sitting around with nothing to occupy our time! Why did we feel compelled to plan a costume, go shopping for the right fabric and accessories and then come home and get the sewing machine out?
Personally I can only put this behaviour down to the old mummy guilt playing out. I was raised to value my financial independence and I was also ambitious in terms of achieving a certain status in my career but still I always had the niggling feeling that in some way I would be a better mother if I was at school more or if my child was in a home-made costume rather than one from the party shop. I was trying to relive what my mum did for me but in a completely different world.
Fiercely independent is not always good!
My desire to be independent also meant that I was never very good at asking for help, and given that we had no family living in Sydney, this really meant that my husband and I only had each other to call on. Even he thought I was crazy with some of the projects I have taken on over the years! Somehow men don’t seem to get drawn into this expectation of having to be everything to everybody as much as women do, although I do think men can also be trapped by expectations around being the breadwinner.
I see this with friends and clients, women trying to please everyone all the time and ending up sad, frustrated or burnt out. I certainly wanted to be all things to all people and it is exhausting!!!
So how do you shift your expectations?
Now that I am older and wiser (a little!) I can see that the key to managing your life is to know where your priorities lie, and then spend time on those and outsource all the rest. What are the most important things for me to spend my time on? What are my values and how can I live by them?
Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, in fact I see it as a sign of strength because it means you are sufficiently self-aware to know where your own strengths are best utilised and where you should call on another person’s strengths to support you.
It really does take a village to raise a child and given that we no longer live in extended family units we need to build relationships with family, friends and professionals so that we have somewhere to turn.
When my kids want time with me they want to really know that I am present, and after all isn’t one of the reasons I work so that I can pay someone else to help do the domestic chores?
When we are giving to others all the time sometimes we forget to look after ourselves. There is a very good reason why airlines ask you to put on your own oxygen mask before attending to children: we cannot look after others unless we are healthy and well ourselves. And I mean that beyond a simple lack of health problems but in terms of seeking optimal well-being by looking after all aspects of our mental, physical, emotional and spiritual energy levels.
We all need time out and I know that can be hard to find when you have children but it is crucial to enabling you to be at your best at both work and home, so again ask for help!
Isn’t it crazy that we beat ourselves up over things we did or didn’t do, or things we said or how we behaved? Listen to that voice in your head, would you ever speak to a loved one in the same way you talk to yourself? Most of us are good at using kindness on other but not so much on ourselves. Talk to yourself as you would to a good friend: comforting, supporting, encouraging, motivating.
I am “enough”
I am also learning to accept that I am “enough” as I am, I don’t have to be a domestic goddess or a super-mum or a corporate high-flyer, I can just be me, a woman who is fulfilling all those roles in her own way, and to best of her ability and without the need to be “perfect”. And that will have to be enough for everyone else too.
If you are interested in re-defining your roles, re-balancing your own life or supporting your staff to re-balance theirs then please get in touch to discuss either one-on-one coaching or a workshop designed to improve the well-being and performance of your whole team, contact me at [email protected]
Sue runs sue rosen executive coaching and specialises in helping people unleash the power of their potential.
It seems crazy that we still need to be given this advice and I certainly hope that my daughters will not get caught up in this expectation of themselves but most women I work with in the corporate world have been caught in this trap at some point.
Supermum (not!)
A few years ago, when my daughters were in primary school, I talked with a friend about what our girls were wearing for book week and it turned out we were both busy sewing costumes. Now bear in mind that my friend is a solicitor in family law and I was working in a senior finance role so neither of us was exactly sitting around with nothing to occupy our time! Why did we feel compelled to plan a costume, go shopping for the right fabric and accessories and then come home and get the sewing machine out?
Personally I can only put this behaviour down to the old mummy guilt playing out. I was raised to value my financial independence and I was also ambitious in terms of achieving a certain status in my career but still I always had the niggling feeling that in some way I would be a better mother if I was at school more or if my child was in a home-made costume rather than one from the party shop. I was trying to relive what my mum did for me but in a completely different world.
Fiercely independent is not always good!
My desire to be independent also meant that I was never very good at asking for help, and given that we had no family living in Sydney, this really meant that my husband and I only had each other to call on. Even he thought I was crazy with some of the projects I have taken on over the years! Somehow men don’t seem to get drawn into this expectation of having to be everything to everybody as much as women do, although I do think men can also be trapped by expectations around being the breadwinner.
I see this with friends and clients, women trying to please everyone all the time and ending up sad, frustrated or burnt out. I certainly wanted to be all things to all people and it is exhausting!!!
So how do you shift your expectations?
- Know your priorities
Now that I am older and wiser (a little!) I can see that the key to managing your life is to know where your priorities lie, and then spend time on those and outsource all the rest. What are the most important things for me to spend my time on? What are my values and how can I live by them?
- Ask for help
Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, in fact I see it as a sign of strength because it means you are sufficiently self-aware to know where your own strengths are best utilised and where you should call on another person’s strengths to support you.
It really does take a village to raise a child and given that we no longer live in extended family units we need to build relationships with family, friends and professionals so that we have somewhere to turn.
When my kids want time with me they want to really know that I am present, and after all isn’t one of the reasons I work so that I can pay someone else to help do the domestic chores?
- Self-care
When we are giving to others all the time sometimes we forget to look after ourselves. There is a very good reason why airlines ask you to put on your own oxygen mask before attending to children: we cannot look after others unless we are healthy and well ourselves. And I mean that beyond a simple lack of health problems but in terms of seeking optimal well-being by looking after all aspects of our mental, physical, emotional and spiritual energy levels.
We all need time out and I know that can be hard to find when you have children but it is crucial to enabling you to be at your best at both work and home, so again ask for help!
- Self-compassion
Isn’t it crazy that we beat ourselves up over things we did or didn’t do, or things we said or how we behaved? Listen to that voice in your head, would you ever speak to a loved one in the same way you talk to yourself? Most of us are good at using kindness on other but not so much on ourselves. Talk to yourself as you would to a good friend: comforting, supporting, encouraging, motivating.
I am “enough”
I am also learning to accept that I am “enough” as I am, I don’t have to be a domestic goddess or a super-mum or a corporate high-flyer, I can just be me, a woman who is fulfilling all those roles in her own way, and to best of her ability and without the need to be “perfect”. And that will have to be enough for everyone else too.
If you are interested in re-defining your roles, re-balancing your own life or supporting your staff to re-balance theirs then please get in touch to discuss either one-on-one coaching or a workshop designed to improve the well-being and performance of your whole team, contact me at [email protected]
Sue runs sue rosen executive coaching and specialises in helping people unleash the power of their potential.
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